I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
