Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
