Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
