dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
