I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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