I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You ruined the universe
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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