Is it normal to miss your booty call?
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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