remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
