And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
