On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
