Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
