3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
