I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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