There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
