clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
