his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
