You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
that is very illegal...i love you.
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