Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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