I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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