I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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