my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
