So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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