I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
