if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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