I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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