Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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