her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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