yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
