omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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