The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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