I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
