Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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