so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
