The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
