..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
