then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
