If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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