i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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