Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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