I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
