I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
