i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
