im holly from the hills drunk
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
