so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
