sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
