hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
