I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
