I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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