8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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