its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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