My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
