why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
